Dear Sickness (or head cold, or mild influenza, or whatever strand of bacteria or viral infection you are),
A few things as we begin to get reacquainted. First, I’ll be honest. I often welcome your presence. You give me time off work, an opportunity to lay on the couch and do nothing, and an excuse not to work out but eat ice cream instead. Bless you for that.
However. HOWEVER. You’re a wee bit tardy this year. Not sure whether or not to thank you for that. Because, unfortunately, your decision to come at the end of November this year instead of the end of September, presents me with a few minor issues.
Namely, right now I’m sitting in a training class, as opposed to my couch with You’ve Got Mail. I love my coworkers, but on days like today, I’d rather Meg Ryan and Tom Hanks be my companions, along with a Snuggie, hot tea, and some sweatpants.
Also, there’s the issue of next week, which is chock full of pleasantries, and which, well, you have the capacity and power to obliterate. Let’s start with my first mud run this Saturday. It’d be great if I could complete that not only satisfactorily, but with my usual, healthy, athletic prowess. Then, let’s address CADA conference with my ASB kids and coworkers that begins early Sunday morning. This is one of my favorite activities of the entire school year. We go to the Happiest Place on Earth and frolic all day. Your very nature denies the premise of Disneyland itself. Please don’t be the menace you are. Mickey Mouse doesn’t want his home littered with snot rags. Thanks. Now, let’s move along to Tuesday, my Katy Perry concert. I know she sings “Hot and Cold,” but I’m not trying to celebrate the spirit of that song with one of your favorite gifts: a fever.
Of course we cannot forget Turkey Day next Thursday. I’d like to be “thankful” for my health that day as I enjoy copious amounts of not only tasty dishes, but fragrant ones as well. Touch my sinus cavities, sickness, and we will battle. I will come armed with Dimetap, Tylenol Cold, and Mucinex. WATCH OUT!
And finally, next Friday and Saturday. Nothing says bachelorette party like having to hold off on shots and dancing because you have forced me to stockpile on over the counter meds instead. Let me reign in the new bride with all of my usual rhythmic and imbibing faculties, please!!
That’s all. I know it was a lot, but please, if you and the Big Man Upstairs could work something out, this normally active, vivacious little person would be much obliged.
Shorty feeling a little “Low” Man.
P.S. It is understood, I think, that I am also requesting you not transform into the 3 month long tonsillitis that you leased out to my hosting body last Spring.