The Darkest Night

I resolved a while ago, that whatever my heart may feel, and however dismal life may seem, I would not live or speak in such a way as to detract from God’s glory.

Today, on Christmas Eve of all days, I do not intend to renege on that vow. I do, however, have some raw, honest questions. They’ve sat in my mind the last several days and collected more darkness. So, I bring them to the light (of my kitchen window and my macbook pro).

As I’ve searched and pored over the Scriptures these last few months, I seem to find only one real Hope to which my soul can cling: heaven and Jesus.

How does one reach this hope? Via death.

Any promise in Scripture that life here promises anything but heartache? Nope.

So, conclusion, let us all hope for a short life if it is to be filled with naught but darkness, or live instead for those brief moments of light. Although, arguably, those brief moments are really just pain waiting to be awakened because we all know that it is far greater a loss to know happiness and lose it, than to never know it at all. Contrast is a bitch.

That seems a bit dismal. I get it. I agree. It’s why I’ve sat here in darkness the last few days.

If I’m supposed to believe that God will supply all my needs, that if I draw near to Him, He will draw near to me, that He binds the wounds of the brokenhearted and the crushed in spirit, that with  Him I have no lack of good,  then am I also to believe that for me, right now, sadness is my good? Sadness is Him drawing close? Sadness is the balm with which He plans on cleaning my gashes and sewing them back up?

Because sadness is all I feel. It’s oppressive. It’s inescapable. And it’s not for my lack of trying to get out of it. Prayers are streamless, arms outstretched to heaven at morning and night, both in surrender and in pleas for mercy, kneeling at the side of my bed. Candles have been lit. Songs sung. Verses memorized and recited.

So then, if sadness is unbreakable, if even in my deepest cries to God, this is His answer, how am I to find joy? How am I to believe that He is the God who cares and gives peace that passes all understanding? How am I to delight in this God? How am I to consider it pure joy when I encounter trials of all kinds? I see my character being tested. And I see my once vibrant personality melting into the twilight, losing itself in the night as a result of this testing.

If this is truly just a season (although the Bible is replete with stories of lives whose seasons were longer than anything I can imagine enduring), how am I to keep on?

I ask because perhaps there is something I’m not doing, something I’m not thinking, something I have not asked or prayed. I ask because I long to find the light here on earth. Heaven is far too far away.

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