But I Can’t Feel It Right Now

Tonight, I sat on the tile floor of my kitchen, puppy biting at my heels, weeping. I don’t say this to illicit pity, just writing honestly. It’s all I can do. I’ve never been much of a faker.

Tonight, I cried for a lot of things, not the least of which was the dawning realization that tomorrow, while it starts new, starts more depressing than today. Tomorrow, I begin day two of jury duty on a trial that is, well, not easy, if I can be so bold as to say that much. It’s also the reason why I’m not with two of my best friends celebrating summer in San Diego right now. And to be honest some more, the more I thought about it, the more I feel like my whole life is some version of jury duty right now. I’m waiting, waiting to hear the verdict. I’m the defendant and there’s not a damn thing I can do to sway what will or will not happen in my life. Or, maybe I’m not the defendant, maybe I am in fact a juror, deliberating in some room, hoping against hope that everyone can come to agreement on what my life should be. But, come to find out, it’s a hung jury. Or maybe I’m the prosecutor, laying charges, submitting proof of why they should be believed, but not offering any solution that leaves a degree of hopefulness and peace.

And so, all this brings me to James Morrison’s song, tonight’s Jazz June inspiration: Wonderful World. And yes, it merits the ENTIRETY of the song. It just all rings too true.

I’ve been down so low
People look at me and they know
They can tell something is wrong
Like I don’t belong

Staring through a window
Standing outside, they’re just too happy to care tonight
I want to be like them
But I’ll mess it up again

I tripped on my way in
And got kicked outside, everybody saw…

And I know that it’s a wonderful world
But I can’t feel it right now
Well I thought that I was doing well
But I just want to cry now
Well I know that it’s a wonderful world
From the sky down to the sea
But I can only see it when you’re here, here with me

Sometimes I feel so full of love
It just comes spilling out
It’s uncomfortable to see
I give it away so easily
But if I had someone I would do anything
I’d never, never, ever let you feel alone
I won’t I won’t leave you, on your own

But who am I to dream?
Dreams are for fools, they let you down…

And I know that it’s a wonderful world
But I can’t feel it right now
Well I thought that I was doing well
But I just want to cry now
Well I know that it’s a wonderful world
From the sky down to the sea
But I can only see it when you’re here, here with me

And I wish that I could make it better
I’d give anything for you to call me, or maybe just a little letter
Oh, we could start again

And I know that it’s a wonderful world
But I can’t feel it right now
Well I thought that I was doing well
But I just want to cry now
Well I know that it’s a wonderful world
From the sky down to the sea
But I can only see it when you’re here, here with me

And I know that it’s a wonderful world
I can’t feel it right now
I got all the right clothes to wear
I just want to cry now
Well I know that it’s a wonderful world
From the sky down to the sea
But I can only see it when you’re here, here with me

And I know that it’s a wonderful world
When you’re with me

4 thoughts on “But I Can’t Feel It Right Now

  1. Wendy

    That in-between place. You’re doing good things, but it’s not where your Whole Heart is, but you aren’t seeing the next thing… (huh. I think I’m talking to myself.) Keep seeking. Keep asking. And let’s get together!

    Reply

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